Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
