If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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