omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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