I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
