the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
