I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
