btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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