Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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