clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
