Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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