1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize