I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
