yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You smell like stripper and shame
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
