Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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