Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
