yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
