we have pet lesbian snakes
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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