do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
