Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
