Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
