I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
