tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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