True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
