Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
