she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
