Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
