glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
