and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this just has baby written all over it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
