I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
