toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
