Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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