whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
