hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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