I can text with my tongue
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
