i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
