When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
