I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
