Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
