i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
