i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
