she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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