I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
