I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
