Please, let me fuck your mom
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
