I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
