I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
