I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
