i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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