I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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