Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Are my feet made of real feet?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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