like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I want is dick and wine.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
