M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We are all done wearing pants today
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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