so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
