Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
