just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i love accidental penises.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
