Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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